This is not normally a song that I would stop on. It's sweet, but it's been way overplayed in my world and I am tired of it.
Despite the tiredness of the song, I know it's the one because the moment that it came on, I realized with a start that I was about 20 miles further from town that I'd thought. The road might not be broken, but I sure was! This is a drive that I've made literally hundreds of times.
As trite as it may sound, this song really describes my relationship with my husband (Scott) when we first met. He was in the middle of a divorce and was pretty badly hurt by his lying cheating soon to be ex. We met working in the mall about two months after she left him, and where he was ready to date he wasn't ready for anything serious.
We dated, we were friends, we broke up and we made up for years. I knew he was the 'one' long before he did, but he was afraid to trust and love again. I was patient and waited, knowing that if I did there was something amazing in store for me. I knew that it was right and remained doggedly determined.
Determination is a wonderful trait, and one that I know I will need to rely heavily on in this new chapter of my life. The job market is brutal out there. I will be battered and bruised, much like how my heart felt battered and bruised as Scott and I stumbled through dating. I need to stay strong and trust my instincts.
(Ironically, as I type this tonight, Scott's Pandora is playing Steven Bishop's "It Might Be You" - the soundtrack of my life continues on)
Friday, July 31, 2009
The End of the Innocence
I love the Eagles, especially Don Henley. Our ongoing joke is that Don could sing the phone book for me and I'd happily listen. So it's no surprise that I automatically stop to listen. Whether or not this would inspire reflective thought, I needed to give the man his chance to sing to me.
I listen reflecting on innocence. I distinctly remember when I lost my childhood glow, when the rose of youth was gone forever. I remember the friend who took it, and the years that it took me to work through the pain and the scars. I didn't get past it, but learned to live with it for many years.
In the weird way that the world twists and turns, this person was put back in my life not too long ago, giving me a chance to work through the pains leftover from my youth. Initially running away from it seemed to be the best choice, but running didn't come easily. Facing the past seemed the only option, so I did. Only now with the wisdom that only years can give, and I could address it as an adult. Finally, I found my peace and in that peace came forgiveness. Not a forgiveness of the hideous actions themselves, but forgiveness of the person who committed them. With that forgiveness and peace, I gained a new found confidence that I never had.
I think again about innocence, and how it's lost by us all. Is it really poisoned fairy tales, or is it just the natural rhythm of life. I think it's the latter. We all lose our innocence at some point, and it hurts us. That hurt though helps us grow. Sometimes we can work through it while we're younger, or sometimes we need greet it again with the eyes and experience of years gone by.
I am comforted by this. The rosy bloom of youth and those windswept wonderful summer days are long gone, but I also have a wisdom and maturity now that I didn't possess back then.
This too will pass. I will learn and grow from what is happening to us today.
Thanks to years of experience I know that these wonderful summer days will soon pass for my own kids. Regardless of what happens to my career, I want to be absolutely present with my own kids now. I can see the endless summer days through their eyes, and that's one heck of a gift. This gift of innocence is given only once, and they deserve to grab the ring and fly.
I listen reflecting on innocence. I distinctly remember when I lost my childhood glow, when the rose of youth was gone forever. I remember the friend who took it, and the years that it took me to work through the pain and the scars. I didn't get past it, but learned to live with it for many years.
In the weird way that the world twists and turns, this person was put back in my life not too long ago, giving me a chance to work through the pains leftover from my youth. Initially running away from it seemed to be the best choice, but running didn't come easily. Facing the past seemed the only option, so I did. Only now with the wisdom that only years can give, and I could address it as an adult. Finally, I found my peace and in that peace came forgiveness. Not a forgiveness of the hideous actions themselves, but forgiveness of the person who committed them. With that forgiveness and peace, I gained a new found confidence that I never had.
I think again about innocence, and how it's lost by us all. Is it really poisoned fairy tales, or is it just the natural rhythm of life. I think it's the latter. We all lose our innocence at some point, and it hurts us. That hurt though helps us grow. Sometimes we can work through it while we're younger, or sometimes we need greet it again with the eyes and experience of years gone by.
I am comforted by this. The rosy bloom of youth and those windswept wonderful summer days are long gone, but I also have a wisdom and maturity now that I didn't possess back then.
This too will pass. I will learn and grow from what is happening to us today.
Thanks to years of experience I know that these wonderful summer days will soon pass for my own kids. Regardless of what happens to my career, I want to be absolutely present with my own kids now. I can see the endless summer days through their eyes, and that's one heck of a gift. This gift of innocence is given only once, and they deserve to grab the ring and fly.
That's what friends are for
As I scanned I heard "There Goes My Life" and stop to listen. Usually this song invokes tears as I think of my boys growing up and leaving home. It usually gives me pause to give thanks for the time we have together now, and reminds me to appreciate messes, wet kisses, and sticky fingers. Today it did nothing for me and I realize that I am at a peaceful place with my boys right now. As a mother I always strive to improve and be better, but gratitude for their wonderful littleness isn't something that I need to work on at the moment.
I scan again and hear broken soundbites. No single one speaks to me, but as a whole they call. Snippets from the Brewers game make me think of an old neighbor. He is the father of an old friend and he is in the hospital right now with a spinal cord injury. Brief memories of how he touched my life come to me, and I say a prayer for him and his family.
Other bits of songs invoke brief flashes of the past, and the friends who touched my life. I realize just how lucky I am. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends, and this is what is important. It's not my bank balance, but these real people who have touched me in some way that are important. Even those friends who have passed through my life, have touched my life and made me a better person. Their love helped to make me who I am now, and I can draw on the lessons learned from my friendships, past and present, to help me become a better person tomorrow.
So no, I didn't hear Dionne Warwick and friends singing "That's What Friends are For" on the radio, rather my own friends sang this to me in my heart. Singing in your heart, that is what friends are for.
I scan again and hear broken soundbites. No single one speaks to me, but as a whole they call. Snippets from the Brewers game make me think of an old neighbor. He is the father of an old friend and he is in the hospital right now with a spinal cord injury. Brief memories of how he touched my life come to me, and I say a prayer for him and his family.
Other bits of songs invoke brief flashes of the past, and the friends who touched my life. I realize just how lucky I am. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends, and this is what is important. It's not my bank balance, but these real people who have touched me in some way that are important. Even those friends who have passed through my life, have touched my life and made me a better person. Their love helped to make me who I am now, and I can draw on the lessons learned from my friendships, past and present, to help me become a better person tomorrow.
So no, I didn't hear Dionne Warwick and friends singing "That's What Friends are For" on the radio, rather my own friends sang this to me in my heart. Singing in your heart, that is what friends are for.
Margaritaville...
As I continue driving home, I am feeling called to find a song that will talk to me. I flip through the stations (RPT Scan) on our Odyssey, and I hear Jimmy Buffet. I know it's the 'right' song. To begin with I love Jimmy Buffet. Add to that Margaritas make me happy.
Hmm, Happy. There's a word to consider. We use it these five letters a lot in our daily lives, but when you actually consider what it means, it's one of the biggest words in the English language.
Happy, Happiness. What is it? Where do you find it? What do I want to do with my life? What makes me happy?
Where money makes me happy, it sure is nice to not worry about foreclosure or food, are there careers that fulfill both your inner happiness and put food on the table? I realize with a start that I don't know the answer to this. I honestly don't know. My life has been filled working at jobs that were considered "good" and I don't know what I want to do. Living in a frantic panic about making enough to pay the bills, I've lost myself on the way.
How do you find a job that fulfills you when you don't know what you want anymore? I felt compelled to look to my personal life. What makes me happy in the other 128 hours in a week?
I'm a mother of 3 children, none of whom are older than 6, so sleep was the first thought that popped into my mind. I am fairly certain that this love of mine won't pay any bills. Though if anyone knows of a way, please let me know.
So what do I do? When I don't have to be somewhere or doing something, what do I naturally fill my time with?
I love to help people. Help someone complete a project, meet a deadline, give groceries to someone who didn't get paid, or remember lyrics to a song. That human connection, the give and take is important to me.
Travel is another one of my loves. I even studied to be a travel agent for a while. However, while paying a tidy sum to MidState Techincal College, I got a raise at Camelot Music (where I worked full time while attending school) That raise officially put me over my starting bracket for what I'd make just graduating from school as a travel agent. The fear of not making 'enough' made it easy for me to give up my dream.
Camelot, I almost forgot my days at the store we affectionately called "Scam-a-lot". Music, as you can probably tell from my blog posts has been a huge part of my life. From taping songs to the cassette on my "boom box" to my first job was at WIFC radio in Wausau. Which was pretty heady for a 16 year old, as it was the number one station in the area.
It wasn't only an ego thing, though that certainly was part of it, it was that I loved every single thing about the radio station. The smell, the sounds, the electric energy that was always around. Not to mention my friends. All of my mentors, including my favorite mentor and my first real love/crush, which ended in a broken heart. I'm still in touch with my mentor, and haven't talked to broken heart man for 16 years.
I left WIFC, for money (of course). Camelot paid more, and I picked up a part time job at a phone center to fill in the gaps. The hours didn't work for me to continue at WIFC and WIFC got dropped. Though the same joy or happiness was never found at either of those other locations.
The song ends, and I am still pondering what makes me happy, and how do I translate that into a fulfilling career. Something that honors both spirit and pocketbook.
I may need to ponder it over a margarita while listening to Jimmy. I am left as perplexed at the end of the song as I was at the beginning of the song, only now I have more memories to keep me company as I wonder, wandering back home.
Pressing RPT Scan again, I look for the next song that will speak to me...
Hmm, Happy. There's a word to consider. We use it these five letters a lot in our daily lives, but when you actually consider what it means, it's one of the biggest words in the English language.
Happy, Happiness. What is it? Where do you find it? What do I want to do with my life? What makes me happy?
Where money makes me happy, it sure is nice to not worry about foreclosure or food, are there careers that fulfill both your inner happiness and put food on the table? I realize with a start that I don't know the answer to this. I honestly don't know. My life has been filled working at jobs that were considered "good" and I don't know what I want to do. Living in a frantic panic about making enough to pay the bills, I've lost myself on the way.
How do you find a job that fulfills you when you don't know what you want anymore? I felt compelled to look to my personal life. What makes me happy in the other 128 hours in a week?
I'm a mother of 3 children, none of whom are older than 6, so sleep was the first thought that popped into my mind. I am fairly certain that this love of mine won't pay any bills. Though if anyone knows of a way, please let me know.
So what do I do? When I don't have to be somewhere or doing something, what do I naturally fill my time with?
I love to help people. Help someone complete a project, meet a deadline, give groceries to someone who didn't get paid, or remember lyrics to a song. That human connection, the give and take is important to me.
Travel is another one of my loves. I even studied to be a travel agent for a while. However, while paying a tidy sum to MidState Techincal College, I got a raise at Camelot Music (where I worked full time while attending school) That raise officially put me over my starting bracket for what I'd make just graduating from school as a travel agent. The fear of not making 'enough' made it easy for me to give up my dream.
Camelot, I almost forgot my days at the store we affectionately called "Scam-a-lot". Music, as you can probably tell from my blog posts has been a huge part of my life. From taping songs to the cassette on my "boom box" to my first job was at WIFC radio in Wausau. Which was pretty heady for a 16 year old, as it was the number one station in the area.
It wasn't only an ego thing, though that certainly was part of it, it was that I loved every single thing about the radio station. The smell, the sounds, the electric energy that was always around. Not to mention my friends. All of my mentors, including my favorite mentor and my first real love/crush, which ended in a broken heart. I'm still in touch with my mentor, and haven't talked to broken heart man for 16 years.
I left WIFC, for money (of course). Camelot paid more, and I picked up a part time job at a phone center to fill in the gaps. The hours didn't work for me to continue at WIFC and WIFC got dropped. Though the same joy or happiness was never found at either of those other locations.
The song ends, and I am still pondering what makes me happy, and how do I translate that into a fulfilling career. Something that honors both spirit and pocketbook.
I may need to ponder it over a margarita while listening to Jimmy. I am left as perplexed at the end of the song as I was at the beginning of the song, only now I have more memories to keep me company as I wonder, wandering back home.
Pressing RPT Scan again, I look for the next song that will speak to me...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Rich Girl....
Nearing mile marker 157, I crank up Hall and Oats, and start (poorly) singing with them. I am again in the right lane, cruising along. A red Grand Prix, who is in a bigger hurry than me, is coming up in the left lane. There's a car that I am rapidly approaching in the right lane. There is plenty of time to get out before the Grand Prix catches up to us. As I consider signaling I am singing along to..."It's a bitch girl, but it's gone too far"
I thank Daryl and John for reminding me that I am working on being a kinder and better person, I break and patiently wait for the Grand Prix to pass me before resuming my normal speed.
It didn't hurt at all.
I realize that I really need to get my head out of the clouds. I need to move over, not only on the highway, but I need to relinquish the dictatorial control that I attempt to maintain over my entire life.
Not that there is anything wrong with being driven, it's how I got this far in life. but there is also a time to let things go and just allow life to happen. There's a time to let others take control and follow their lead.
It's going to be a tricky balance, but I've got some time to practice.
I thank Daryl and John for reminding me that I am working on being a kinder and better person, I break and patiently wait for the Grand Prix to pass me before resuming my normal speed.
It didn't hurt at all.
I realize that I really need to get my head out of the clouds. I need to move over, not only on the highway, but I need to relinquish the dictatorial control that I attempt to maintain over my entire life.
Not that there is anything wrong with being driven, it's how I got this far in life. but there is also a time to let things go and just allow life to happen. There's a time to let others take control and follow their lead.
It's going to be a tricky balance, but I've got some time to practice.
Rocking Me Like a Hurricane
Cruising up I39 near mile marker 148 the Scorpions were Rocking Me Like a Hurricane. I'm a good 80's girl and was moving to the music.
I am in the right lane, trying to ignore the van up ahead of me who is chilling in the left lane. Not passing anyone yet, just hanging out. It's a pet peeve, but I am a kinder gentler Tricia, remember?
Mr Van and I are coming up behind a semi in the right lane (where you belong when you aren't passing). I know that Mr Van is going exactly 64.9 miles per hour, and I do not want to hang out behind them for the next few minutes while they work their way around the semi truck who is going 64.8 miles per hour. I speed up to about 77 and sneak in front of Mr Van.
The moment rocks me (like a hurricane), and I realize how entrenched I am in my own habits and the past. Big change is going to require a Big Effort and Big Patience. Not only patience in others, but patience in myself.
As I think, I realize how intertwined my life is with music, especially music from the 1980's and earlier. I've always privately thought that my life had or needed a soundtrack. Maybe now is my chance to find my soundtrack. Reflect on who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I ponder this, tossing the idea around in my head, as I continue northbound on I39.
I am a pretty intolerant radio patron. I flip around and am constantly searching for my favorite songs. The Scorps were done rocking me, and I didn't care for the next song. I flip around looking for another favorite.
The opening beats of Hall and Oats' Rich Girl speak to me, and I settle in for a listen...
I am in the right lane, trying to ignore the van up ahead of me who is chilling in the left lane. Not passing anyone yet, just hanging out. It's a pet peeve, but I am a kinder gentler Tricia, remember?
Mr Van and I are coming up behind a semi in the right lane (where you belong when you aren't passing). I know that Mr Van is going exactly 64.9 miles per hour, and I do not want to hang out behind them for the next few minutes while they work their way around the semi truck who is going 64.8 miles per hour. I speed up to about 77 and sneak in front of Mr Van.
The moment rocks me (like a hurricane), and I realize how entrenched I am in my own habits and the past. Big change is going to require a Big Effort and Big Patience. Not only patience in others, but patience in myself.
As I think, I realize how intertwined my life is with music, especially music from the 1980's and earlier. I've always privately thought that my life had or needed a soundtrack. Maybe now is my chance to find my soundtrack. Reflect on who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I ponder this, tossing the idea around in my head, as I continue northbound on I39.
I am a pretty intolerant radio patron. I flip around and am constantly searching for my favorite songs. The Scorps were done rocking me, and I didn't care for the next song. I flip around looking for another favorite.
The opening beats of Hall and Oats' Rich Girl speak to me, and I settle in for a listen...
Driving Away
I drove out of Madison reflecting on my years at WRC. The friends I have made, and the things I have learned.
Working there was an incredible experience, but I am forced now to spread my wings. As I am poised to fly, what do I want to do? Where do I want to go? What have I learned? What lessons are in store?
Traffic was good and I love a long drive, even despite my mere 3 hours of sleep the night before. I worked in and out of traffic, every mile taking me further away from what was and closer to what is to come.
I know that I want to become a better person. More patient and tolerant. I figure that there is no better time than the present and I will start by becoming tolerant of idiotic drivers! (See how tolerant I am already?)
I make a conscious effort to let things roll of my back that would normally bother me, or cause me to alter how I am driving. Not aggressive things necessarily, I am mostly just a horrible speeder. I believe that the speed limit is the sign +9. If someone might slow me down, I'll speed up to +11 or +12 so as to not get 'stuck' behind them.
This is my first big change, and I work my way up I90/I94 being more conscientious of others.
I transfer to I39, and continue towards Wausau. Lost in reflection and listening to the radio and working my way home.
Working there was an incredible experience, but I am forced now to spread my wings. As I am poised to fly, what do I want to do? Where do I want to go? What have I learned? What lessons are in store?
Traffic was good and I love a long drive, even despite my mere 3 hours of sleep the night before. I worked in and out of traffic, every mile taking me further away from what was and closer to what is to come.
I know that I want to become a better person. More patient and tolerant. I figure that there is no better time than the present and I will start by becoming tolerant of idiotic drivers! (See how tolerant I am already?)
I make a conscious effort to let things roll of my back that would normally bother me, or cause me to alter how I am driving. Not aggressive things necessarily, I am mostly just a horrible speeder. I believe that the speed limit is the sign +9. If someone might slow me down, I'll speed up to +11 or +12 so as to not get 'stuck' behind them.
This is my first big change, and I work my way up I90/I94 being more conscientious of others.
I transfer to I39, and continue towards Wausau. Lost in reflection and listening to the radio and working my way home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
